Not Alone on Christmas
by summerlinde
Summary: Tag to 5x09, "Secret Santa." Esposito has dinner and watches a movie with the Cabots and decides he isn't having such a bad Christmas after all. Written as a gift on a different site.


**Profuse apologies if I've mucked up some obvious detail from the episode. Also, I'm not sure if Javi's in character or not since I've never written him before, but . . . well, you've gotta start somewhere, I guess! Merry Christmas.**

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Javier Esposito wasn't used to spending Christmas on his own, whether he had a girlfriend or not. He'd gone from spending Christmas with his family, as a kid, to Christmas overseas with his fellow soldiers at war, to Christmas at the VA hospital with his PTSD support group (which had been mandatory, but he hadn't been sure he minded at Christmas), to Christmas at the 54th precinct and then Christmas here. He'd spent Christmas with Ike and his family at the 54th, until Ike had faked his own death. Once he'd moved over the the 12th precinct, he'd spent Christmas with Kevin.

Now he was spending Christmas with nobody for the first time in his life, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. Lanie had turned him down for a date, and maybe she was right about not wanting to be those pathetic people who hook up just because they're alone for the holidays, but . . . maybe she wasn't. Maybe he _was_ that pathetic, and maybe he was even ok with that.

He couldn't show up unexpected and unannounced at Ike's door. They weren't partners anymore, and they'd grown apart, and even if they hadn't done it on purpose, he still couldn't bring himself to go over there. He had nowhere to go. And that hurt more than he wanted to admit.

And so, when Beth Cabot invited him to stay for Christmas Eve dinner, he did. He almost immediately regretted it, as he got to the table and realized he had no idea where to sit so that he didn't seem like an interloper, but what was done was done. He was here for Christmas now. He might as well make the most of it.

Beth hadn't been kidding about there being enough dinner for him – there was an entire turkey on the table, and if it wasn't a particularly large turkey, that still didn't make up for the fact that there were only three of them. Beth fussed over both him and Tim, and he wasn't sure how to take that, either.

For the first 20 minutes, the entire dinner was solidly awkward. But then Beth sat down and everyone tucked in to dinner and they started talking, and suddenly everything was fine again. They talked about their favorite Christmas movies and the fact that Javi hadn't watched A Christmas Story in years, because he and Ryan always had the TV connected to the X-box instead. They talked about their favorite Christmas presents from when they were kids and about the ones they'd always wanted but never gotten. They talked about the worst gifts they'd ever gotten and the worst the gifts they'd given had ever been received. He started to feel like it was ok to be here.

After dinner, they sat down on the couch (another initially-awkward situation) and watched the TBS _A Christmas Story_ marathon until things were unawkward yet again. Laughter was even better at making him comfortable than memory was.

At the first commercial break, Beth got up to check on the pecan pie in the oven, and Tim leaned in to talk quietly to Javi. "Thanks for coming in, man. Most of the time, it's hard to find someone to spend Christmas with, but she's always so much better when she has someone else to worry about. It's hard, with Dad. . ." the young man trailed off, the first indication that it was hard for him, too.

Of course. Javi could have kicked himself. Of _course_ Christmas would be hard for them. "Anyway, it helps," Tim continued, pulling himself together, "One year, we had Christmas Eve with the pizza guy, and another year it was the security guard from the mall, and it always helps. She needs somebody to fuss over and worry about so that she doesn't have time to be sad. But you've taken . . . her . . . better than some guys. So thanks."

Javi wasn't sure what to say to that. "It's cool, bro. I get that. It's hard being alone at Christmas when it means you're not with the people you think you should be with." That had sounded less convoluted in his head. The kid seemed to accept it, though. They went back to watching the movie.

After his conversation with Tim, Javi felt off and on like he was being stared at, like Beth was watching him to gauge his reactions to things and make sure he was ok. He didn't much like the feeling, but it made sense. It was a distraction. Like the movie. Like having dinner with strangers. Like this whole night. But at least they were all being distracted together.

Javi didn't think he was well suited to Christmas alone any more than the Cabots were. He missed the sounds of electronic pads crunching together as electronic men tackled each other on his big screen TV. He missed Ryan, too, but at least his best friend was having a good night without him. Presumably.

He decided he was glad he was here, even with the vague feeling of being watched. This might not be the perfect Christmas. It might not be the best Christmas he'd ever had, or even that high on the list. It might not match up with the Christmas Eve that Ryan and Castle and Beckett were having. But it was better than being alone, and he was grateful for it.

In some ways, it felt good just being grateful for what he had, even though what he had was kind of disappointing. In some ways, it _was_ a great Christmas, because it felt like something that mattered. Maybe if he had another crappy Christmas next year, he'd open his own front door to a random stranger. Maybe the kindness of strangers could be enough, for Christmas, for most of the broken people out alone in the world, like him. Maybe it didn't have to be perfect. Maybe you just needed to know there were still good people in the world.

As he drove home after the movie ended, he didn't feel so bad about his night. Christmas was just one more day, and then he'd be back at work with the others and in the mean time - the world was maybe not so bad, even without them.


End file.
